But don't you speak Spanish?

Perhaps many of you who have been consistently following along with me and my adventures may be wondering at this point why I seem to be struggling and stressing so much about my ability to communicate in Spanish. Those of you who really know me may asking yourselves, "Didn't Leslie study Spanish? Shouldn't she be able to communicate by now?"

In fact, I have been learning Spanish since I was in kindergarten. There, I was introduced to colors and numbers. I continued to learn random pieces of vocabulary until middle school when Señora Hemstreet gave these words a purpose by giving us resources like how to conjugate verbs to help us communicate. In high school, I learned the Spanish words used to describe parts of the world's history, and I practiced and practiced and practiced until I could conjugate verbs in any tense with ease. In college, I decided that it made sense to continue studying Spanish, so I lived in Spain, read [all of] Don Quijote, and studied the Mexican and Cuban Revolutions to get my degree.

In addition to these years of studying Spanish, I have sat in groups of Spanish speakers watching the conversations bounce back and forth like tennis matches, looking for an indication of how I should be reacting because I couldn't catch more than one word at a time. I have listened to conversations often feigning smiles and laughter hoping no one would catch on to the fact that I did not understand a word I just heard. I have gotten lost in my own words trying to mimic the intensity with which someone spoke to me. I have also waited terrified that someone would look my way hoping for a response to a question that flew past me at the speed of light.

In short, Bachelor's degree and years of studying say nothing about one's ability to communicate successfully in another language. What does success in a language look like anyway? Is it being able to fill in the blanks with a verb that has been conjugated correctly? Is it being able to write an essay to describe the themes of a poem? Does success look like ordering your dinner or a cup of coffee? Or does being successful mean knowing how to respond to "todo bien" and interweaving the local slang into your conversations? Am I successful if I still have to ask people to slow down or repeat themselves? Can I still be considered successful if I stumble over my own words and realize that, after saying something, I used the wrong conjugation of the verb?

Not that what we learn in the classroom is not important and necessary for language acquisition but, to be honest, what I learned in the classroom did nothing to prepare me for what it is actually like to communicate in Spanish. To me, being able to communicate means more than just being able to speak. So while I may be able to speak Spanish, I am still learning how to communicate in Spanish. To me, communicating means being able to express myself when I'm happy, confused, upset, tired, etc., which, if you ask me, is learned beyond the classroom in low stakes environments in which you feel comfortable to lower your defenses and speak openly. But...it's not as easy as finding someone to practice Spanish with you. There is a certain level of trust and mutual respect you must have and share with the other person.

You have to find a person who you trust wants you to learn and who won't belittle you when you make a mistake. In English, with friends I often try to "guess" what the other person is trying to say to speed up the conversation. I have found myself wanting to do the same with people trying to learn and speak English here. Sometimes people do this to me here by finishing my sentences when I speak in Spanish. This sentence finishing is different. While I'm sure my friends back home hate when I do this to them, it's different when there is no "power" dynamic between the language speakers. When I or my students are speaking, we are either hoping to the language gods that the right word naturally comes to our lips or are searching frantically for the correct conjugation or word in our cluttered minds. We require patience. When learning to communicate in a new language, you have to find someone who you trust will allow you to finish your sentences no matter how painful it may be for them to wait and watch you rifle through your mental clutter. Because although it is painful to watch, how will we as language learners learn to communicate if we are not given the opportunity to communicate?

You have to find a person you trust as a human because learning to communicate in a new language requires vulnerability. Learning to communicate requires you to accept the fact that you will make mistakes even when the mistakes are silly and you do, in fact, know how to say bunny in Spanish, but the word was just not close enough for you to reach it. I am excruciatingly aware of the mistakes I make when speaking. I feel the wrong words leave my mouth and cringe hoping to immediately reel them back in before it's too late. I hear and even feel the dissonance when I mess up my subject-verb agreement and use the you form of the verb to describe an action I made. When I am making these mistakes and when I am consistently asking what different words mean I usually feel kind of dumb to be honest. I feel helpless. I feel like a kid again, like I've regressed to my 8 year old self who happens to be sitting in a room full of chemistry professors talking about quantum mechanics. Now imagine trying to convince yourself to speak to strangers knowing that you will inevitably feel like this 8 year old and be poignantly aware of the errors you make in the process.

You also have to find someone who respects you. It's incredibly demoralizing to make errors when speaking. Nothing exacerbates this feeling more than when I ask a question in Spanish and receive a response in English. I respect and appreciate people I interact with who speak to me in Spanish. A lot of people I interact with daily could very easily speak to me in English, but they don't because they know I want to improve my language abilities. Find yourself a Sol, a jefa, who will tell everyone under the sun that you need to speak in Spanish to practice.

When I was in Spain, I had a friend named Geri who I ended up spending almost every day with for two months. He was my Spain person. Here, I have and am still looking for my people...the people with whom, for some reason, Spanish comes easier. I have Yani who patiently listens to me strangle sentences until I find my flow about thirty minutes into a conversation and who translates memes and phrases for me no matter how silly. I have an agreement with Sol which entails only speaking Spanish unless we're playing Wordle, are at school, or I explicitly tell her that I need English because she is the best and understands that your first language is will always be your first language. I also have Sonia who insists on driving me home three times a week (even though I live five blocks away from school) because she's the sweetest but who also respects me enough to both speak to me and listen to me in Spanish (but she speaks Spanish really intensely and kind of scares me so she doesn't end up doing too much listening).

So yes, I do speak Spanish, but I am still learning how to communicate in Spanish. I am still learning how to confidently make mistakes (yes, @all educators reading this, I know that mistakes are part of the learning process). I am still learning to ask what new words mean and how to ask someone to slow down because I understand Spanish but sometimes it's hard to understand when someone is talking really quickly. Lastly, I am still learning to give myself grace because it's been a month, and I can define my language success however I please.

Now here is a photo dump from this past week for those who made it this far :)

The most expensive sriracha I've ever bought, but sometimes you have to treat yourself.

The best purchase I've made thus far. My quality of living has drastically improved since buying these.

Yani would want me to tell you that we do more than just drink.

Another day of waiting for the school to be opened.

Yani and I doing something that is more than just drinking.

Did we go to another soccer game for the soccer or for the players??

Yani and I went to a soccer game then got churros then ate the churros while drinking mate. We both decided it was a very solid day.

I kid you not...vegan churros! I seriously have more options here than in Iowa City.

It was filled with mixed berries! I also got one covered in chocolate. Also, please ignore my ancient looking hands. I promise I moisturize!

Okay then Sonia made me vegan muffins.